I’m going to tell you how to use Repair Attempts to de-escalate an argument with your partner.​

Hi, I’m Ilia Jones, Licensed Professional Counselor in Suwanee, Georgia. When couples argue, things can escalate very quickly, and sometimes you need a way to slow things down before anyone says something they regret. A Repair Attempt is any small statement or action that helps lower the tension and reminds both of you that you care about the relationship more than winning the argument.​​

A Repair Attempt might sound like, “Can we start over?”, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, can we take a break?”, or “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” It could also be a gentle touch, a small joke that is not at your partner’s expense, or saying, “I love you; I don’t want to fight like this.” The key is that you are trying to shift from attacking or defending to reconnecting.​

You can practice Repair Attempts by talking with your partner when you are calm about phrases or actions that would help you both feel safer during conflict. Then, when an argument starts to heat up, you can use one of those phrases as a signal that you want to de-escalate and get back on the same team. Over time, learning to notice and accept each other’s Repair Attempts can make your arguments shorter, less intense, and less damaging to your relationship.