Hi, I’m Ilia Jones, licensed professional counselor in Suwanee, Georgia. I’m here to talk to you about feeling guilty. I work with a lot of clients who report feeling guilty all the time—guilty as moms, guilty as wives, guilty as friends—because they feel like they are not doing enough or because they are remembering something they did that they did not think was great.​

I usually try to remind people that if you feel guilty, you first need to figure out whether that feeling is a feeling or a fact. Feelings are not always facts. They are real, but they are not facts. One way to figure out if your guilt feeling is a fact is to see whether you can, in any way, make what you feel guilty about sound like a crime. If you were going to be convicted in a court of law of being guilty of something, what would it be? If you can make it sound like a crime, then maybe there is some truth or accuracy to that feeling.​

But if there is not, then maybe it is a feeling that just means you wish you could have done better, you would like to have done better, and you would like to do better in the future. What does it say about you as a person if you actually feel bad that you wish you could have done something better? Usually, that is a really good thing. A lot of times, feeling bad and feeling guilty about something we have done in the past really makes us strive to do better in the future, and that can be a really good motivator.​

So, would you rather never feel guilty and never try to do better, or is it okay to sometimes feel guilty, knowing that it is not an accurate fact—that you did not actually commit a crime—and still strive to do better and feel better in the future about your choices? That is how I try to look at guilt. Thanks.​